my life is like a circus

often wonder if i ever get all my dreams come true, how would i be feeling right there and then - will it be good enough? will i be extremely happy? will i be satisfied? will i feel content? will i want more? will i feel whole?

i was just catching up with Nikhu, one of my best online friends on how life is nowadays.
and somehow my stories always beat his.

after 4-year of a friendship (i btw found out from him, didn't even count how long we knew each other already) and exchanging stories of being young and driven with work; hardly get the chance to meet new people (read: the kind that 'suit' our taste and demand of a good partner) - Nik finally came up with this comment bout me: he said, "man your life is like a circus isn't it? if its not the animal doing the tricks, its the clown"

that my friend, would in short mean: well either something or other interesting thing keeps happening with me - despite my attempt to always try my best to be nice to everybody.

you know, according to one of hitmansystem's general rules is that a guy supposed to come up with at least one interesting story bout his life. well, apparently too many things, or should i say drama, have come to my life without my consent. i'm genuinely not complaining nor am i boasting, but they have.

i suppose, poor guys who are friends with me having to hear all the craziness going on even within minutes in one day of my life. telling the stories of my life for me is like a therapy, that i would feel at least half of the whatever responsibility i must take upon the events is released.

i do find it hard though, to explain my busy day or how critical the deadlines i were facing daily - especially to the people closest to me - the boyfriend or parents - whilst i know is also busy and have matters that they need to take care of. hope i wasn't being too selfish all the time, but hey, you can't keep everybody happy, yes?

one thing i know for sure, of all the maddening shroud i'm so grateful to have friends and family who always stand by me. they're the one who keeps me sane up until today. and of course, thanks to all the so-called 'circus' i can say that i'm quite 'drama proof' now (you know, like water proof -hehe.)

crazy ex-girlfriend, naggy boyfriend - bring them on! meanwhile, i also need to struggle with more issues that i have to settle on my own.

my life, is a circus, indeed!

How do you like your eggs done ~a personal growth

How do you like your eggs done?
Do you like it sunny side up? scrambled? or perhaps poached?

"Too often in life we make decisions we're not prepared to live with. This's a story bout those decisions & the consequences that follow" ~HIMYM

Remember that Julia Robert's movie Runaway Bride in which she plays Maggie Barnes. Maggie would fall in love with anyone who fell in love with her. She even let the men in her life determined the way she liked her eggs done.

I used to believe that love will prevail in a very naive way. That took 3,5 years of a relationship with someone who is totally 'different.' Learned that cultural, background, spiritual, educational, economical differences do take part in determining a successful relationship.
And I finally came into a conclusion out of the blue one day-after 3,5 years-while sitting at a mosque attending the ex bro's wedding. That one revealing moment in my life which said: "dude... what the hell am I doin here.... " lol ~that my friend, is a sign that we're ready...

Ready to move on.

So along came this Prince, the one I used to naively believed as my Knight in Shining Armor - The One - Mr. Right. But then...
I discovered a lot of truths about myself.
Turns out that I'm somewhat a postmodernist, a hopeless romantic, a very independent young lady who believes in hopes, believes in learning, believes in taking courage in what I believe in, a survivor -better yet- a thriver.

And... it took 3 years and 4 months of my life to once again that one day came upon; that one revealing moment that said: "dude... you are not ready..."
This time though, the question works two ways: I wasn't capable to trust him anymore while the ex was just incapable of giving me the comfort of a commitment that I needed most.
Long story short, with this ex, we were in a 3-year relationship before he left me for another girl. We got back again together after 1,5 year apart to find a brief 4 months that we wanted different things and I was no longer capable of trusting him.
Then we broke up, each with our own conception, me with the above and to him it was not his responsibility that I am not happy with myself.

So I was convinced that we are responsible to our own happiness which could be partially true when we are talking about personal growth.

Then along came a warmhearted not a too stranger companion who gave a new light that considered the notion as a very cold one. Somehow I found it relieving to learn from him and know people are indeed responsible to their own happiness but we as their friends will also be compassionate enough to ensure their happiness. That no one deserved to be left alone in order to find their own happiness.
And thus the not too a stranger has been such a good companion even before my fall out had happened.

Coming back onto how do I like my eggs done ~ it is not sunny side up nor it is poached ~ I like it scrambled!

Scrambled as in having been 'raw' then to have life whisked me to blend into a homogeneous liquid. The low heat and the constant life stirring movement, have made me a creamier end product.
Additional ingredients such as learning to trust again, letting go of things I cannot control, to enjoy great times as they are may also be added.

Thus came the new light that this me should be even more moist in texture with a creamy consistency to be lucky enough to find The One, one fine day.

The Man in the Arena - April 23, 1910 - Theodore Roosevelt

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

I will stand upon my watch, and set me upon the tower, and will watch to see what he will say unto me, and what I shall answer when I am reproved. ~Habakkuk 2:1

"Be still," the Lord said to me, "I'm here."

tessa: You know, there're some nights that u wish u had someone with u
tessa: I hate when that happens
tessa: :P
Nikhil dochania: lol
Nikhil dochania: i know what u mean
Nikhil dochania: well thanks to TV and internet
tessa: No kidding lol

For what it's worth, there are always lessons to learn, more love to give, bigger heart to love, sincerity to share, forgiveness to give away, hope to be kept alive, dreams and planning to be reset, same old story but always a new stronger you ~ tess (may '10)

But you can't stop nothing
if you got no control
of the thoughts in your mind
that you kept and you know
you don't know nothing
but you don't need to know
the wisdom's in the trees
not the glass windows
You can't stop wishing
If you don't let go
of the things that you find
and you lose, and you know
you keep on rolling
put the moment on hold
the frame's too bright
so put the blinds down low

Read

Time To Say Goodbye (English Version) Lyrics

here.

Time To Say Goodbye (English Version) Lyrics

When I am alone I sit and dream
And when I dream the words are missing
Yes I know that in a room so full of light
That all the light is missing
But I don't see you with me, with me
Close up the windows, bring the sun to my room
Through the door you've opened
Close inside of me the light you see
that you met in the darkness

full lyrics

more Sarah Brightman lyrics

only in silence I've found peace

Life has always been, forever will be unexpected.
And only in silence today, being here, in silence alone with my rambling thoughts I've come to a state where I believe I've a better understanding, full acceptance and respect of who I am.
A passion for a better living, a passion for career, a passion for writing wishing one day I will leave a legacy of my words in a book.

A lot of hurtful moments, tragedies or happiness, reconciliations have happened; I laughed, I cried, I tried, I worked with tears and blood and yet I am here today. In silence, enjoying the moment feeling a bit of bitterness but almost complete as a whole. Because I know, there are times I need support but there are also times I will need to stand up for myself. Bitter sweet, lovely.

Am I lonely? Strangely, no.

Now I understand that even though my friends and family cannot always be there for me, I know that whenever they can they will be, to support me or just as simply as being there for me. My closest friends are not many, you can even count them with your fingers but I've been blessed to have them in my life.

Am I grateful? Very much so.

Only through hardships and pains I understand who I really am and my real friends are.
The worst things I can imagine have already happened, so there's nothing to fear really.
It has never been about winning or loosing for me nor about proving myself

for I will keep evolving but have been and forever lastingly am strong

the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams

Para pembaca blog saya yang budiman,

Kehidupan manusia seperti yang kita jalani sehari-hari, terbagi menjadi dua: kehidupan sosial dan kehidupan pribadi. Kalau pembaca yang budiman dengan setia mengikuti blog saya, tentunya sudah bukan rahasia lagi, bahwa kehidupan saya ya... bukan rahasia lagi :)

Dengan hati terbuka dan jiwa besar saya hidup berdampingan dengan para fotografer yang bergantian setia menemani saya, baik dari jauh atau dekat, baik di dalam maupun di luar negri; selama setahun lebih ini.

Pertama-tama, tentunya lumayan menjengkelkan karena kok moto ga bilang-bilang, belum lagi kalau di pagi hari saya seperti orang baru bangun tidur, rambut berantakan dan muka masih muka bantal. Tapi tentunya jauh lebih baik berpose untuk foto saya sebanyak-banyaknya, daripada ancaman atas keselamatan saya benar-benar dilaksanakan. Oya, kalo nanti benar-benar terjadi yah, terimakasih teman-teman sudah setia selalu membaca blog saya ini, doakan saya dibebaskan dari dosa dan ikatan duniawi, hanya dengan doa teman-teman saya bisa masuk di surga dan saya pengin banget masuk surga, siapa juga yang mau masuk neraka.

Senang rasanya kalo ditengah segala keanehan yang terjadi, toh saya bisa menjadi berkah dan bermanfaat menjadi lapangan rejeki untuk para fotografer tersebut. Kira-kira berapa ya harga hasil satu jepretan foto saya, mungkin ga ya seharga fotonya foto paparazzi para selebritis, aihh senangnya! Saya sih berharap dengan harga setinggi itu, suatu hari nanti si fotografer bersedia berbagi komisi dengan saya, boleh juga tuh. Cuma ya kalo harganya cuma 5,000 per lembar mendingan panggil tukang foto keliling itu lho yang pakai sepeda kring-kring untuk dateng ke kantor saya tiap sore untuk sesi foto. Nanti saya pura-pura ga tau kok, tenang aja ;)

Teman-teman, sekali lagi saya ceritakan bahwa bukan rahasia juga kalo saya menyayangi dan perduli akan Peter dengan sepenuh hati, begitu juga hal nya terhadap mantan saya. Saya ini orangnya penuh dengan cinta kasih, perhatian dan menyayangi. Sungguh bukan membanggakan diri, coba deh dekat-dekat sama saya, masa ga bisa liat sih ketulusan saya. Seiring usia saya juga menyadari bahwa bukan berarti menyayangi atau perduli akan seseorang kita harus selalu memiliki dan berada di dekat orang tersebut, kalau kata pepatah, jauh di mata dekat di hati, Peter itu sudah seperti keluarga saya sendiri. Saya tidak akan lupa jasanya menemani dan merawat selama saya dekat dengannya, juga untuk menjadikan saya sebagai apa adanya hari ini.

Dan saya ceritakan sekali lagi, kalo saya memaafkan Peter dan siapa pun yang merasa bersalah dengan apa yang terjadi. Sudah setahun lamanya, bisa kan kita sama-sama saling melanjutkan hidup masing-masing. Waktu itu, walaupun bisa jadi linear tapi dia berjalan lurus maju terus bukan ke belakang.

Hidup itu adalah pilihan, seperti kata kampanye, maka merupakan hal yang manusiawi dan alamiah kalau saya memilih menyayangi Peter walaupun sudah jelas banget kalau Peter, selain bodoh, sama sekali tidak lagi menginginkan bersama saya. Sama juga dengan pilihan yang diambil pihak-pihak lain untuk terus merasa bersalah dan dihantui. Sementara kita bergumul dengan pilihan kita masing-masing, pilihan Peter juga sudah sangat jelas karena dia tidak bersama saya lagi.

Berhentilah berspekulasi dan ingat, waktu itu sangat berharga, lebih berharga dari uang. Bayangan suatu hari nanti Peter akan kembali dengan saya itu benar-benar kegilaan sesaat dan ketakutan yang tidak beralasan. Mungkin perlu ditulis besar-besar dan dipajang di atas ranjang supaya bisa dibaca setiap mau tidur dan bangun pagi kalau tidak ada teman yang bisa mengingatkan.
Namun bisa saya pahami, siapa pun bisa jadi tergila-gila kalau tidak sedikit gila saat dekat-dekat Peter. Maklum sang ilusionis, cuma ingat saja, dia juga cuma manusia biasa. Pokoknya ingat deh, kita semua itu masih manusia yang punya akal budi pekerti kalau kata buku PPKN, hargai orang lain seperti layaknya kita ingin dihargai.

Mungkin kata-kata saya ini tidak lebih dari masuk mata kiri keluar mata kanan, setidaknya ini yang bisa saya lakukan karena tidak mampu membayar tukang pukul :)

Tidak ada yang lebih menyakitkan dari mendengar dari Peter sendiri kalau saya harus berhenti menghubungi dia atau keselamatan saya, keluarga saya dan karir saya akan terancam. Permainan beberapa orang sungguh di luar dunia saya, siapakah saya, bahkan untuk melawan ketika nyawa saya terancam saja tidak bisa. Wong hidup saja pas-pasan, apalagi membayar pembunuh bayaran, malahan lebih besar kemungkinan saya meninggal duluan karena kecelakaan tertabrak mobil saat naik angkot sebelum saya mampu membayar tukang pukul untuk membalas ancaman tersebut. Benar-benar lucu. Semoga dengan hal tersebut banyak pihak sudah merasa lebih terlegakan dan terbebaskan.

Tentu saja keselamatan saya, keluarga saya, karir saya jauh lebih penting dibandingkan Peter. Peter tidak lebih dari sekedar seorang laki-laki yang membuat keputusan yang bodoh. Semoga dia bisa belajar lebih dewasa lagi.

Buat saya cinta itu bisa jadi buta dan gila tapi tidak bodoh.
Saya sudah menentukan pilihan bahwa yang saya perlukan adalah pasangan yang bisa menerima saya apa adanya karena saya memang berharga dan layak dihargai dan dicintai seperti itu.

Roda dunia itu berputar dan saya salah satu orang yang percaya akan karma. That you get what you give, what goes around, comes around. Dulu saya meninggalkan mantan saya demi Peter dan sekarang karma saya sudah kembali hingga saya bisa memulai lagi dari awal. Waktu kalian masih panjang, kalao tidak karena saya pasti juga karena pihak lainnya yang akan menjadi alasan Peter untuk meninggalkannya.

Kalo kita ingin melindungi orang yang kita sayangi dengan memastikan dia tidak akan terluka, itu namanya kita tidak benar-benar menyayanginya. Setiap orang berhak untuk merasakan sakit dan pahitnya hidup seperti halnya dia berhak untuk merasakan kebahagian dan kebebasan. Pahit dan kerasnya hidup, itu yang membuat kita menjadi manusia yang lebih kuat dari sebelumnya, yang membuat kita semakin layak untuk dicintai dan mencintai. Dan semoga di suatu hari nanti kita sudah layak diberikan kesempatan dan tanggung jawab terbesar untuk menjadi manusia yang membesarkan dan mendidik anak kita menjadi yang terbaik.

Walaupun pergumulan dan perjuangan yang dialami kita masing-masing berbeda. Walaupun saya bukan anak orang kaya dan memiliki penyakit, tapi kalo para pembaca budiman sering ke gereja dan rajin mendengarkan dan mengimani firman, Tuhan tidak akan memberikan cobaan yang di luar kemampuan kita :)
Amini itu karena Tuhan besar adanya. Lebih besar kuasa-Nya daripada uang ataupun kekuasaan yang ada di dunia ini. Ada hal-hal yang tidak bisa kita kendalikan ataupun kita pahami, terimalah keadaan itu, berdamailah.

Blog entry ini kalau dalam bahasa inggrisnya hanyalah bagian dari diri saya yang sedang 'venting' with no pun intended. Kalau ada pihak-pihak yang merasa disebut, kejadian dan cerita di atas memang bukan fiksi adanya tapi ya mbok ga perlu dibahas atau dibales toh entry saya ini, kecuali kita semua masih belum bisa melepaskan kenyataan yang terjadi. Kenyataannya adalah Peter sudah tidak dengan saya dan saya sudah tidak menghubungi dia lagi. Begitu aja kok repot :)

Begini kalau kata teman saya Chef Ario: "Saya belajar diam dari banyaknya bicara, saya belajar sabar dari sebuah kemarahan, saya belajar mengalah dari suatu keegoisan, saya belajar menangis dari kebahagiaan dan saya belajar tegar dari kehilangan. Orang yg paling bahagia, tidak selalu memiliki sesuatu yg terbaik, tetapi hanya berusaha menjadikan setiap apapun yg hadir dalam hidupnya sebagai yang terbaik."

Hebat ya, sudah pandai masak, pandai filosifi pula, pria idaman!

| Ingrid Michaelson Lyrics | Sort Of Lyrics

Growing up is the time to make our most silly unforgettable mistakes, growing older is the time to take responsibility for all of our actions and decisions, becoming a grown up is when we start thinking for our parents and more responsibilities to come - tessa 2009

"with great power, comes great responsibility"

My new sweet baby - baby boy!

What do you think about my little new baby baby boy?
MakeMeBabies.com - What will your baby look like?

a new beginning, always full of hopes and faith and love and plans and you and me and us

a bedtime story part 2
by JBR for TC

... the trader was introduced to the king
as the king oversaw all the town's business
one day the king was showing the trader the town
and the princess was in the center of it
picking up goods from the market
at a bargain price
tessa: lol
she was afterall Chinese
tessa: ahahaha
JBR: thought you'd like that
JBR: anyway

as the king and trader passed by, the princess caught the eye of the trader
and he was absolutely mesmerized
so much so
that he ignored the kings conversation
which the king noticed
and ordered the carriage to halt
which worked perfectly for the trader
the princess too noticed the halted carriage and looked toward it
both their eyes met
the princess and the trader
the king looked at the trader and finally got his attention

"What has you so distracted?" asked the king.
"I'm sorry your highness. I was immediately drawn to that lovely vision over there at the market."
"Oh I see." said the king. "Well she is promised to another and so you cannot have her"
no sooner did the king say those words than the trader lept out of the carriage
and jogged to the market
he approached the princess
and said, "my fair maiden, I could not help but to come over and at least talk to the most beautiful vision I had ever seen"
the princess, being shy of course
blushed and giggled a little
"I am so flattered" she said, "but I am also promised to another."
"I know," said the trader, "I don't care. I will not rest until I find a way to make you promised to me.
the princess swooned at this
as she was very much attracted to confidence
plus he was rather striking too

the princess
she asked coyly "How do you plan on winning me for yourself?"
to which the trader replied
I will meet you here at the same time everyday
if I see you here
I will know I am on my way to winning you
the princess laughed again
and said okay sure

the next day
the princess decided to let her curiosity (and hormones) aroused
the princess headed for the market
sure enough
she met the trader
who had a surprise
somehow he had found the princess's favorite flower
the white casablanca
she was so taken aback
she felt even more feelings for him
she thanked him for the gift by giving him a quick hug
and returned home

to be continued...

a bedtime story
by JBR for TC

once upon a time
not too long ago
in a country that was in the South Pacific
lived a beautiful princess
she had everything
cars
clothes
fine bedding
maids
butlers
everything she could ever wish

One day
an unfortunate event occurred
and the princess lost everything
except her mother
whom she loved dearly
they both moved to a smaller city and started over
the princess had to adjust
to a more modest life
but she made do
reluctantly at first
after time she got used to her new life
which meant getting a job
afterall
she was taught by the finest scholars througout the land
and work she did
in a company that sold books
soon
it was time to think about marriage
as tradition dictated
suitors lined up far and wide
as she was very beautiful
on caught her fancy
one
he was strapping
and handsome
and very well in shape
they courted for two months
and
although he never was really romantic
and didn't always treat her well
she loved him just the same
time came for him to propose
which he did
and the princess accepted
and she was soo happy
she told her mother
who arranged the whole thing
one day though
a foreigner had sailed into town
he too was a very strapping lad
but very exotic to the natives
he was well taught and could communicate well with these fine people
as he was a trader....


to be continued...

sense and sensuality

well... not to anyone's surprise, ms. t's apparently beginning to learn and know again how infatuation can get you a little out of this world, with a sense of withdrawal from anything else but... JR, everywhere and every time. will time difference, continents to come across, hormones, moms and as if march being not long enough get in the way of her keep thinking of K1, K1, K1...

Funny the way it is, not right or wrong
Somebody’s heart is broken and it becomes your favorite song