When the pain you feel is a different kind of pain

Again, before I begin my next post, I'm gonna have to put this disclaimer that anything written below is purely intended to my personal healing only.

It has been a really, really crazy 8 months so far since I begun everything, from moving to a new job with a new position, moving to a new place, going through the breakup, while trying to fit myself in all of the madness.

Career wise
I could say that things are going great, oh well besides the fact that I need to sleep late almost every night, still continue to work even from home, have to work every other weekend (although I could get a day off replacement but it still feels not normal sometimes to have a different working hours with others, you know, while everybody is having a good weekend I have to work and when I got the day off, everybody else is working), have to put up with a very very fussy Singaporean boss, going home at 1 am in the morning after a meeting, even there were one time worked from 11 pm until 7 am in the morning and only reached home at 10am. Talking about being responsible and committed to your work, I may have done more than I should. I even done things that I wasn't even sure I could do, been pushed and - as my boss would say - stretched further than my own capacity. So after 6 months of contract reviewing, I had been made permanent employee despite the company policy of a one year contract and to hear the boss saying that she is actually happy with my work.

A dear friend has encouraged and told me, how proud of him of me that I'm learning young that it's all work and work hard, it's so worth it and that I'll see, I'll have everything I ever wanted.

Fitting in
On the other hand, I'm still having a lot of trouble fitting in with some colleagues. Now I know, that I have to learn a lot on this part, as as far as I know, I'm generally highly likeable and so it's kinda puzzling to me how some of the colleagues don't really like me, yet the boss is happy with my work. Upon the contract review I received a poor score in socializing and was reviewed and had actually been scolded to work on my teamwork ability.

Of course that has led me to frustration, I know I have some issues of dealing with people that I foresee as not being genuine, annoying and would only caused me trouble. However, a caring friend told me that if I continue working by myself and not involving or even connecting with my colleagues that in the end would kill my own career. Thus, it leads me to learn to smile a lot, trying to have some small conversations with everyone in the office, compliments here and there, trying to connect with the colleagues that don't really like me even if they are ignoring me, to keep reminding myself that as busy as I may be, I need to connect with people, to ignore my selfish and self absorb self accepting that I still need to be friendly with people despite of my personal judgement.
Can you believe, I would always be the last person in the office to know the gossips around, if I'm really focus, I don't even notice that everyone around is laughing at something really funny, yeah... like that...

Distractions
Besides spending my time working all the time, that would be having a lot of online friends, playing with facebook, watching 24, the apprentice, the amazing race, heroes in between free time but could never really finish them, spending a lot time with my bestfriend I. Sometimes I could have time to meet with Princess Lisia, Cicek, H Girl, and Mum.

Upon being independent
I have been also having a really hard 8 months where I needed to face my own demons - by myself - of not being able to socialize well with the people I don't really like and of course to be more independent as in not being spoiled and childish enough - being clingy, and to not be able to take decisions, yes, my indecisiveness!
As to resolve, I'm learning now that I shouldn't just keep asking questions but to actually say my ideas first before the questions. Still finds it funny but seems like that's the right thing to do.

I'm very thankful and feel blessed with everyone who have been there for me and pray that God will keep them safe and happy all the time. Everyone who have listened and put up with me.
I'm thankful of the dad to be AJ, you have been really patient with me and very helpful. Thanks Rainbow, for always asking how I'm doing while I sometimes don't really have the time to talk much and ask how you're doing. Thanks Ms. Disney who keeps me of working all time with yogurt and movies after work. Thanks RK for taking my late late nite call regarding my virus and love and life problems. I'm missing a dear gossiping and shopping friend who's now in Melbourne. Thank you Nikhu, Johnny, Robby, Ben, Jake and Quintin.
Guys, you are always dear in my heart and note how I feel really bad sometimes for not been able to reply to your messages.

Peterlogy
Pete oh Pete, is still in my heart dearly just like my other ex. Despite the fact that he never answered to my calls and that I'm beginning to accept that he has no feelings left for me, I also learned that I'd be fooling myself if I didn't say that I still adore him and missing our friendship badly.
It's so funny the way it is, how I also never picked up and rarely replied to my other ex's calls or texts, I guess that's pretty much how Pete feels.
A friend told me that there's actually nothing left to be talked about with your exes and how awkward it would be to still be friends with them. It's been 8 months and I'm still learning. Going pretty slow huh but as AJ would say, do whatever I need to do to survive. I'm glad that I have the freedom not to feel ashamed and fooling myself that I don't want Pete anymore.
RK told me that I should reconsider if I'm really sure that I want Pete, that should it ever happen it will only be hurting me more, that I will remember how he's hurt me more and more. Maybe... although it could also be a choice that I made, to accept things the way they are.

I know the Lord is good :)