my life is like a circus

often wonder if i ever get all my dreams come true, how would i be feeling right there and then - will it be good enough? will i be extremely happy? will i be satisfied? will i feel content? will i want more? will i feel whole?

i was just catching up with Nikhu, one of my best online friends on how life is nowadays.
and somehow my stories always beat his.

after 4-year of a friendship (i btw found out from him, didn't even count how long we knew each other already) and exchanging stories of being young and driven with work; hardly get the chance to meet new people (read: the kind that 'suit' our taste and demand of a good partner) - Nik finally came up with this comment bout me: he said, "man your life is like a circus isn't it? if its not the animal doing the tricks, its the clown"

that my friend, would in short mean: well either something or other interesting thing keeps happening with me - despite my attempt to always try my best to be nice to everybody.

you know, according to one of hitmansystem's general rules is that a guy supposed to come up with at least one interesting story bout his life. well, apparently too many things, or should i say drama, have come to my life without my consent. i'm genuinely not complaining nor am i boasting, but they have.

i suppose, poor guys who are friends with me having to hear all the craziness going on even within minutes in one day of my life. telling the stories of my life for me is like a therapy, that i would feel at least half of the whatever responsibility i must take upon the events is released.

i do find it hard though, to explain my busy day or how critical the deadlines i were facing daily - especially to the people closest to me - the boyfriend or parents - whilst i know is also busy and have matters that they need to take care of. hope i wasn't being too selfish all the time, but hey, you can't keep everybody happy, yes?

one thing i know for sure, of all the maddening shroud i'm so grateful to have friends and family who always stand by me. they're the one who keeps me sane up until today. and of course, thanks to all the so-called 'circus' i can say that i'm quite 'drama proof' now (you know, like water proof -hehe.)

crazy ex-girlfriend, naggy boyfriend - bring them on! meanwhile, i also need to struggle with more issues that i have to settle on my own.

my life, is a circus, indeed!

How do you like your eggs done ~a personal growth

How do you like your eggs done?
Do you like it sunny side up? scrambled? or perhaps poached?

"Too often in life we make decisions we're not prepared to live with. This's a story bout those decisions & the consequences that follow" ~HIMYM

Remember that Julia Robert's movie Runaway Bride in which she plays Maggie Barnes. Maggie would fall in love with anyone who fell in love with her. She even let the men in her life determined the way she liked her eggs done.

I used to believe that love will prevail in a very naive way. That took 3,5 years of a relationship with someone who is totally 'different.' Learned that cultural, background, spiritual, educational, economical differences do take part in determining a successful relationship.
And I finally came into a conclusion out of the blue one day-after 3,5 years-while sitting at a mosque attending the ex bro's wedding. That one revealing moment in my life which said: "dude... what the hell am I doin here.... " lol ~that my friend, is a sign that we're ready...

Ready to move on.

So along came this Prince, the one I used to naively believed as my Knight in Shining Armor - The One - Mr. Right. But then...
I discovered a lot of truths about myself.
Turns out that I'm somewhat a postmodernist, a hopeless romantic, a very independent young lady who believes in hopes, believes in learning, believes in taking courage in what I believe in, a survivor -better yet- a thriver.

And... it took 3 years and 4 months of my life to once again that one day came upon; that one revealing moment that said: "dude... you are not ready..."
This time though, the question works two ways: I wasn't capable to trust him anymore while the ex was just incapable of giving me the comfort of a commitment that I needed most.
Long story short, with this ex, we were in a 3-year relationship before he left me for another girl. We got back again together after 1,5 year apart to find a brief 4 months that we wanted different things and I was no longer capable of trusting him.
Then we broke up, each with our own conception, me with the above and to him it was not his responsibility that I am not happy with myself.

So I was convinced that we are responsible to our own happiness which could be partially true when we are talking about personal growth.

Then along came a warmhearted not a too stranger companion who gave a new light that considered the notion as a very cold one. Somehow I found it relieving to learn from him and know people are indeed responsible to their own happiness but we as their friends will also be compassionate enough to ensure their happiness. That no one deserved to be left alone in order to find their own happiness.
And thus the not too a stranger has been such a good companion even before my fall out had happened.

Coming back onto how do I like my eggs done ~ it is not sunny side up nor it is poached ~ I like it scrambled!

Scrambled as in having been 'raw' then to have life whisked me to blend into a homogeneous liquid. The low heat and the constant life stirring movement, have made me a creamier end product.
Additional ingredients such as learning to trust again, letting go of things I cannot control, to enjoy great times as they are may also be added.

Thus came the new light that this me should be even more moist in texture with a creamy consistency to be lucky enough to find The One, one fine day.

The Man in the Arena - April 23, 1910 - Theodore Roosevelt

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

I will stand upon my watch, and set me upon the tower, and will watch to see what he will say unto me, and what I shall answer when I am reproved. ~Habakkuk 2:1

"Be still," the Lord said to me, "I'm here."

tessa: You know, there're some nights that u wish u had someone with u
tessa: I hate when that happens
tessa: :P
Nikhil dochania: lol
Nikhil dochania: i know what u mean
Nikhil dochania: well thanks to TV and internet
tessa: No kidding lol

For what it's worth, there are always lessons to learn, more love to give, bigger heart to love, sincerity to share, forgiveness to give away, hope to be kept alive, dreams and planning to be reset, same old story but always a new stronger you ~ tess (may '10)

But you can't stop nothing
if you got no control
of the thoughts in your mind
that you kept and you know
you don't know nothing
but you don't need to know
the wisdom's in the trees
not the glass windows
You can't stop wishing
If you don't let go
of the things that you find
and you lose, and you know
you keep on rolling
put the moment on hold
the frame's too bright
so put the blinds down low